The day I heard the news my mind shut down. Aaron and I had planned a date night earlier in the week so I went about getting ready. I got in the shower and let the hot water run over my body. I leaned in, letting it hit my face, it provided a distraction from the racing thoughts in my head. When the water was no longer enough to keep me occupied I began to sob. I cried until I couldn't stand. I don't know how long I was sitting in the shower before Aaron came home, but he found me and put his hand on my arm and told me everything would be okay. The water was freezing and I was shaking. My body felt tense, my muscles were tight and exhausted from stress. He coaxed me out of the shower and into bed. He begged me to talk about what I was feeling rather than holding it in and feeling the physical pain of so much sadness. I told him how ashamed I felt, how I felt as if I had let him down. I don't think I will ever forget the things he said to me, he told me I had not let him down, but that I had let myself down.
"You set these expectations for yourself and you let yourself down."
I have always set the highest expectations for myself. I've never been happy with who I am or where I am in life, and have always attempted to better myself. This motivation has allowed me to achieve things that I never believed I could. However, there is a downside to such motivation. It did not allow me to value my successes or believe that I had acheived these great things. I always felt that somehow I had lucked out, or slipped by. When I found out I would not start this summer I felt like it confirmed all of my negative self talk that I had fed myself for 15 years.
His words were simple. I let myself down. I had only let myself down. The rest of the world would move on and continue living as if nothing had changed. My friends would still be there for me, they would still believe in me and care about me. My family would still be proud of me, they would still love me and believe in me. I need to learn to believe in myself.
So here it goes. I have one year. At the end of this year I want to have amazing stories to tell, adventures to remember and accomplishments that are not in the form of college credits and grades. Mostly, I want to have the self confidence to know that even when I fall down, I can get back up with a smile on my face and wonderful people by my side.
